• Are you afraid that certain thoughts, ideas, or questions will always torment you and ruin your life?

• Do you want to stop thinking about something but feel that you cannot?

• Do you worry that unwanted thoughts will always come up and bother you?

• Are you afraid of a thought or image getting stuck in your head?

• Are you afraid of having an unwanted association that will always be there?

• Are you afraid that unwanted thoughts will always pop up and ruin special moments?

• Do you worry that your unwanted thoughts will come true or somehow ruin aspects of your life?

• Are you afraid of having disturbing, sexual, violent, bizarre, or unwanted thoughts?

• Do you feel compelled to do certain things to try to stop thoughts, avoid thoughts, neutralize thoughts, or make thoughts OK?

• Do you want to stop certain thoughts but don’t know how? 

I have personal experience with all of these fears.  I was in a constant state of fearing what thoughts might torment me.  I was afraid that I would never be able to get out of this fearful state of mind. 

I created this website because I want anyone who is struggling with unwanted thoughts to know that there is absolute hope.  You can get back to a peaceful state of mind where you are no longer tormented by your thoughts.

Read the section Absolute Hope below to learn how to work towards recovery, and check out the other links for more helpful information.

*Disclaimer- I am not a licensed therapist or a doctor.  My insight comes only from my own experience and the knowledge I gained through therapy.  I hope that the information on this website will be helpful to you, but I also recommend that you seek professional help.

Absolute Hope

I know that it can be hard to believe that there can be real recovery.  In my darkest time, I did not see how I could ever get out of the mess that my mind had become.  If you are feeling overwhelmed and hopeless, I implore you to not give up.  I was living in CONSTANT, out-of-this world fear.  I had thousands of fearful unwanted thoughts bombarding my mind every day, all day.  Today, I can think freely.  None of my old unwanted thoughts and associations haunt me.  I am happy and enjoying life, and you can get there too.

Spending Time with the Wolves

If intrusive fearful thoughts are taking over your life and causing you intense anxiety, you may have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. The label is not necessarily important. The important thing is that there is a way to recovery.  I was lucky to find a counselor who had himself recovered from Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder.  He taught me that the way to recovery was through desensitization.  You may wonder, how can I ever desensitize to these horrible thoughts that torment me? You can.

My counselor said that if I was surrounded by a pack of wolves, the fear center of my brain would react wildly, and rightly so.  However, if I spent day after day with those wolves, in time, the fear center of my brain would stop reacting.  In the same way, as you spend time with your intrusive fearful thoughts, you will desensitize to them. You may be thinking- I have these thoughts all the time/every day, and the fear is staying the same or getting worse.  I will teach you how to intentionally spend time with unwanted thoughts and desensitize to them.  But as you work toward recovery, remember this phrase “spending time with the wolves”, because that is what you will be doing.  You will be spending time with the thoughts, ideas, questions, and associations that cause you fear and extreme discomfort.  In time, they will not bother you.  I can think about all of the thoughts, ideas, questions, and associations that used to torment me, and they no longer can cause a fear reaction in me.

 Mostly Thoughts or Thoughts and Actions

For some individuals, their main concern is the fearful unwanted thoughts. There may be certain kinds of thoughts that they are afraid of having or they may have questions that they cannot stop thinking about. They likely worry that these thoughts, ideas, or questions will always torment them and keep them from living a peaceful and fulfilling life. If possible, these individuals may attempt to avoid situations that greatly trigger their unwanted thoughts. For example, an individual who is worried about having unwanted thoughts about people may avoid situations with other people.

Some individuals’ unwanted thoughts compel them to take certain actions to try to lessen the discomfort caused by their unwanted thoughts. These actions may seek to somehow address the fear or to neutralize the thoughts to make them ok. These actions are also called compulsions. Compulsions can vary greatly from person to person. When we think of OCD, we may think of compulsions such as obsessive hand-washing or repetitive checking of locks. However, compulsions come in many forms. Some individuals may obsessively seek information that alleviates anxiety or they may compulsively seek reassurance from others to alleviate their worries. Avoiding certain places, things, or people can be another type of compulsion. Compulsions can be outward acts, or they can be carried out entirely in the mind. An example of a mental compulsion that is carried out in the mind could be an individual thinks certain words or counts numbers in his mind.

Whether you mostly struggle with unwanted intrusive thoughts or unwanted intrusive thoughts and compulsions, the path toward recovery is the same: desensitization. The root of both struggles is the fearful thoughts or ideas and the discomfort that they cause.

Desensitizing to Fearful Ideas and Thoughts

Once you desensitize to fearful ideas, thoughts, questions, and/or associations, they will no longer bother you and therefore stop coming to mind.

If you fear certain ideas, thoughts, or associations, then you are prompting those ideas, thoughts, and associations to come up.  Your brain has identified those thoughts, ideas, questions, and associations as threats. Because you have become afraid of the them and identified them as a threat, your brain is watching out for the “threat”.  The evolutionary function of fear is to keep us from danger. Fear keeps us focused on the potential threat so that we can escape or avoid the danger. However, when we develop anxiety or OCD, our brain has labeled something a threat that is not a real danger.

How do you stop your brain from watching for and reacting to certain thoughts or ideas?  You stop being afraid of them.  How do you become unafraid of particular thoughts or ideas?  You desensitize to the fearful thoughts and ideas by allowing yourself to spend time with them and any other what if thoughts that come up.

What Unwanted Thought Desensitization Looks Like

There are a couple of ways to spend time with these intrusive thoughts to desensitize to them.

These intrusive thoughts come up automatically and bother you. When they do come up, rather than trying to distract yourself or do something to ease the anxiety caused by the thoughts, you want to sit with the discomfort of the thoughts. Allow the thoughts to be there, bring your awareness to them, and allow the discomfort to go throughout your mind and body. You can also intentionally bring these thoughts up and spend time with them. You may put yourself in circumstances where you know the fearful thoughts will be triggered, and allow the thoughts to come. Observe and allow them. Repeat the thoughts. Allow the fear to rush through you. Spend intentional time with the fearful thoughts and the discomfort (sometimes extreme discomfort) that they cause.

Often, many what if thoughts will come along with the fearful intrusive thoughts. Examples of what if thoughts that may come up could include: What if having these thoughts will ruin something that is special to me? What if these thoughts always come up and bother me? What if I cannot stop thinking these thoughts? What if these thoughts represent who I really am? What if this thought is always stuck in my head? What if these thoughts will not leave me alone?  What if I go crazy?  What if I am crazy?  What if these bizarre thoughts always occur to me?  What if I always associate this awful thought with someone or something I care about?  What if this image gets stuck in my brain?  What if I can never enjoy life because I’m always thinking about ______? What if having this thought causes something bad to happen? What if I cause something to happen by having these horrible thoughts?

These what if thoughts are also just thoughts that you want to allow and spend time with. You do not need to answer the questions posed by what if thoughts, but just allow them and sit with the discomfort that they cause.

Another way to desensitize, is to allow your brain to go into what if mode and intentionally stay there for a bit. When the brain is in what if mode, it is on high alert and looking for the threat. When you intentionally put your brain into this mode, you scan your environment and allow yourself to fearfully wonder. For example, if an individual is particularly afraid of fearful thoughts that come up when he is around his girlfriend, when he spends time with her, he will likely start to feel anxious. To desensitize, he may spend time with his girlfriend and while he is looking at her or talking with her, he will intentionally allow or invite the fearful what if mode of this brain. Specific thoughts may come up or what if fearful thoughts may bubble up in his brain. He does not need to focus on one particular thought, but he can just allow these fearful thoughts to dance around his mind.

Some individuals may feel that they are already in this mode of fearfully wondering all the time. If this is the case for you, you can add intention to your experience by trying to become more fully aware of your thoughts and experience rather than trying to avoid or shrink away from thoughts and feelings. You can be around a particularly triggering situation and allow the mind to wander. Rather than attempting to distract yourself or to shrink away from these thoughts and feelings, spend some time with them intentionally. Invite the thoughts and observe and allow the feelings.

You want to allow yourself to repeat the what if thoughts when they come up at least a few times.  Sit with the discomfort that the what if thoughts bring.  The more time you spend with the unwanted thoughts and the feeling of discomfort, the sooner you will desensitize.  It is not pleasant, but you can do it, and the discomfort will lessen in time.  And eventually, the thoughts will not be able to bother you.

When you feel the feelings of discomfort that the thoughts bring you, stay there.  Do not rush on or distract yourself.  Stay there for a little while.  Allow yourself to feel those feelings.

Review:

1. Whether an unwanted fearful thought has come up automatically or whether you have intentionally brought it up, allow yourself to repeat the thought and sit with the discomfort that it causes. Do this for the intrusive thoughts as well as the other what if thoughts that come up.
2. Allow your self to go into what if mode by fearfully wondering when you are in a triggering situation.

The Point is Not to Not Be Afraid

When you are intentionally desensitizing, the point is not to be unafraid.  You are not trying to pretend that the thoughts are fine and do not bother you.  The point is to expose yourself to the thoughts that scare you and to feel the fear they bring.  You are exposing yourself to the uncomfortable feelings and fear that the thoughts illicit in you.

Leaning In

“Leaning in” is a phrase that I used through my recovery to remind myself to spend time with the fearful thoughts and the physical and mental discomfort that those thoughts brought about.  The idea is to not rush through thinking a thought and trying to move on by distracting yourself somehow, but to sit with the discomfort for some time.  It could be just ten extra seconds.  Allow yourself to be in a situation that causes you discomfort and sit with that discomfort.  Allow thoughts to come up.  Repeat them.  Lean into them. Move toward them. Feel the fear and discomfort and spend time there.

Follow the Fear

My brain would often come up with even more threatening thoughts.  When you are practicing desensitization and your brain comes up with an even more threatening thought or idea, allow yourself to sit with the discomfort of that thought or idea, and then think it again.

I used this phrase during my recovery: FOLLOW THE FEAR.  What that meant to me was that whatever threatening thoughts my mind would come up with, I would allow the thoughts and I would sit with them and the discomfort that they caused.  As my brain came up with even more threatening thoughts, I would “follow” those thoughts too.  It is almost like you are going down the path that the fearful thoughts are taking you rather than trying to run from them.  You allow the thoughts to keep getting more threatening, and you repeat them and spend time with them.  You will likely feel very scared and threatened by these thoughts.

Our brains are creative as they search for the threat.  And when certain ideas or thoughts have become the threat, our brains will come up with even more threatening ideas or thoughts.  Our brain is supposed to help us identify threats and run from them.   When ideas or thoughts are the threat, our brain scans for even greater threats (more unwanted thoughts) to try to protect us.  We must teach our brain not to react to these ideas or thoughts.  And that is what desensitization does.  We get to a place where the ideas or thoughts that once terrified us can no longer bother us. But for now, follow the fear. Allow the fearful thoughts to flow through your mind. Allow them to intensify. You do not need to answer questions that your fearful thoughts pose; you do not need to respond to them. Just allow them and sit with the discomfort.

The Fear Feelings Make the Threat Feel Real

Even though a part of us may recognize that our fearful thoughts are unrealistic or illogical, the threats feel real. Because these thoughts cause a fear reaction in our brains and bodies, the thoughts feel like real threats. We can tell ourselves that the threat is not real, but the alarm system is going off in our brain and body, and so it is hard to really believe that there is no threat. Our brain and body are telling us loud and clear that our fears are real threats. This can make it very difficult to disbelieve our fearful thoughts. A part of us may believe the fearful thoughts, but another part of us can step back and allow the thoughts to come and sit with the discomfort.

 Faulty Alarm System

Having OCD or anxiety is like having a faulty alarm system. The alarm system in your brain is alerting you that you are in severe danger when you are not. When the alarm goes off, you truly feel that you are in danger. It is very hard to ignore or disbelieve these feelings and thoughts.  To disarm this faulty alarm system, you allow it to go off. You continue to go about life as the alarm bells are ringing in your brain and in your body.  This may be a helpful imagery for how to do life. Imagine that a person was at a party having a conversation with a friend, and an alarm starts going off in the background. The sound of the alarm is irritating and uncomfortable, but the friend can still continue the conversation. Likewise, as the alarms start going off through your mind and body, allow them, be aware of them, but continue to engage in the activities around you.

Confusion

I remember when I was in the worst times of my obsessive unwanted thoughts, I felt a lot of confusion.  I was trying to desensitize to my thoughts, but sometimes it felt unclear how to do that.  My advice is to do your best and know that it may feel confusing at times.  Let me give you an example, I had many, many associations with objects.  So, as I was walking past a particular object that made me think of a particular unwanted thought, I would wonder should I just try to “act normal” and walk past it without thinking about it?  Should I really focus on it by looking right at it and thinking the thought? Do I look at it and not think the thought but allow the fear to rise up in me?  Do I not look at it directly (because I probably should focus on where I am going anyway) but allow the thought to occur to me?  

You can see how this could all become confusing.  What I found is that sometimes it is best to actually lean into the confusion, because it can become the confusion that scares you.  And there is not one best answer.  So, when I started to walk past that particular object, I would allow all those thoughts to go through my mind…. Should I stare at it?  If I do not stare at it, am I avoiding it and creating more fear around it?  What if I am not doing this right?  What if I am not desensitizing but making it worse?  Allow all of these thoughts to be there.  Allow yourself to mentally sit with the discomfort that they bring.  Lean into them.  You may repeat these thoughts and feel the feeling of discomfort and fear that they bring.  You may choose to glance at the object, or stare at it, or ignore it.  Just as long as you try to lean in mentally to the fear.  So, if I choose to ignore it, I may have fearful thoughts like: what if I still have the bad thought even though I am not looking at it?  What if I am avoiding it and making my OCD worse?  I allow these thoughts to occur.  I lean into them.  I may choose to repeat them and feel the fear and discomfort.  I keep moving about my life.

Many fearful questions may occur to you. Some of those fearful questions may be about your original concern. Other fearful questions about if you will ever recover or if you are doing recovery correctly may also come up. Allow these questions as well. The goal is not to answer these questions, but to simply allow them. If you start to panic and think: what if I am not doing this correctly and what if I never get better?!- your higher brain can remember what you have learned and trust in the process toward recovery, but allow your fear brain to sit with the uncertainty. Allow yourself to repeat those questions and sit with the fear they bring.

Allowing Uncertainty

When you are exposing yourself to your unwanted thoughts and feelings, many what if questions or ideas will come up. You do not need to answer these questions. And in fact, sometimes it is best to not answer but just allow the questions. For example, if an individual is afraid that if he touches something that is “negative” and then he touches something he considers to be positive, then he may have a fear that he has ruined/contaminated the positive thing. Rather than trying to rationalize why he did not ruin it, he can just sit with the question: what if I ruined ______________ ? The fear brain may want to complete some kind of compulsion (like hand-washing or doing something to undo the “contamination”). The fear brain may want to come up with a reason to convince you that somehow it did not really count. Another part of you may try to use logic to explain to yourself why it all does not really matter. None of these approaches will work to stop the fear response. Instead, when fearful questions come up, try to allow yourself to just sit with the question. Let the question fill you with fear, and then ask it again… “what if ______________?

This is also true for questions about your recovery. What if I never get better? What if I am making it worse? What if this does not work for me? You do not need to answer these fearful questions. Just allow them. In time, you will desensitize to them.

Let Discomfort be Your Northern Star

When you are not sure how to desensitize in a given situation, let discomfort be your northern star (let discomfort guide you).  Move toward the discomfort.  Whatever makes you uncomfortable, in regards to your obsessive unwanted thoughts, follow it.  When you meet a fork in the road and one way brings you some mental relief and the other way turns your stomach, allow yourself to follow the discomfort- allow yourself to spend time with the uncomfortable thoughts and feelings (this does not mean doing something that could harm yourself or anyone else).  This is how you will make your way out of OCD.  This is how you desensitize.  This is the way to freedom.  (You do not have to constantly make yourself uncomfortable in order to desensitize; you just want to spend some time intentionally moving toward and sitting with the discomfort. The more you allow yourself to sit with the discomfort, the quicker you will desensitize)

 Spiral Dive- Be Crazy to Beat Crazy

To desensitize to OCD thoughts, you are moving toward exactly what your fear brain is desperately warning you against.  It feels all wrong.  But you cannot trust the warnings and feelings produced by OCD/anxiety thinking.

Pilots can find themselves in a deadly situation where their plane is going in a downward spin.  Over a hundred years ago, pilots who found themselves in this situation would inevitably crash and die.  Pilots who had found themselves in this situation would instinctively pull the stick back to try to bring the nose of the plane up, but this would result in the deadly collision.  However, the solution of how to correct this deadly situation was discovered. In order to get the plane out of the deadly spin, the pilots needed to turn the plane into the spin.  This would feel very counter-intuitive.  It would feel like they were pushing the plane more into the downward deadly spiral.  They would feel like they were careening toward certain death.  Pilots would need to disregard what they were instinctively feeling and the warnings of their brains.  This was the way to survive the spin.

And this is how it is for OCD.  You must turn into the spin.  It feels wrong because your fear brain is warning you not to allow yourself to think the unwanted thoughts.  It is warning you that the thoughts will always come up and torment you.  You want to lean into these fears and feel all of the discomfort they bring.  You cannot trust your obsessive fearful thoughts.  They will feel like real threats because of the fear reaction they cause in your body.  You want to expose yourself to the thoughts and spend time with the discomfort they cause.

Provoke yourself

One way to really face your OCD fears and unwanted thoughts is to provoke yourself.  So, let’s say Thomas is terrified that a thought will get stuck in his brain.  He is afraid that if he passes a dead animal on the road and he does not go check on it to make sure that it is dead or move it off the road, that he will always remember and think about the animal.  He may worry that the thought of the animal will always come back to haunt him.  So, what he needs to do to desensitize is to intentionally allow himself to think the fearful thoughts and sit with the fear and discomfort that those thoughts create. Then he can provoke himself further.  For example:  What if I am always thinking about this animal?  What if the idea of it is always sitting there in my brain?  What if I am unable to enjoy life because I’m always worried about this thought popping up?  What if pops up during special moments and ruins those moments?  All of these thoughts will likely cause Thomas a great deal of fear and discomfort.  It is these what if thoughts that cause Thomas the greatest fear.  So, he must spend time with them and desensitize to them.  His fear brain will tell him that all of these “what ifs” are real threats- that this thought of the dead animal really will haunt him.  He needs to use his higher brain to remind himself that as he allows himself to sit with the discomfort and fear that these what if thoughts cause, he will desensitize to them.  After he has spent time desensitizing, one of these fearful what if thoughts may occur to him; however, it will not pack the powerful fearful punch anymore.  He will be able to disregard it.  Eventually, the thoughts will stop coming to mind.

Another example.  Let’s say that Annie is afraid of throwing away a piece of paper.  It is not a particularly important piece of paper, but she worries that maybe there is something important about it, and once she gets rid of it, she can never get it back.  What if she always thinks about this paper and wishes she could get it back to check and make sure whether or not she should have kept it?  She throws the paper away, but it keeps coming to mind and she considers each day retrieving it from the trash before garbage day when it will be gone forever.  Sometimes, she is able to resist the urge to get the paper; other times, she gives in and pulls the paper from the trash.

Instead of just trying to not get the paper from the trash, Annie can intentionally provoke herself and spend time desensitizing to the thoughts that torment her.  She can think: what if there was something REALLY important on that paper?  She can even tell herself- I am sure that there was! She can think: what if I do not get it and then I always wonder about it?  Take that thought a step further- what if it bothers me so much that I cannot enjoy life?  Annie should think these thoughts and allow herself to sit with the fear and discomfort that they bring.  The more time that she spends with these thoughts and the discomfort that they bring, the more she will desensitize to them, and they will no longer be able to bother her at all.

In my recovery process, an unwanted thought would occur to me and cause me great discomfort.  I would sometimes intentionally take the thought a step further.  Or sometimes a few steps further.  I would allow myself to think an even more threatening what if thought, and then I would sit with the discomfort it caused.  Your brain might take you down that path anyway.  Try not to resist.  Try to allow those threatening thoughts come up and lean into them, spend time with them.

What if this thought always haunts me?

Fearful thoughts and associations can be so strong, it is easy to see why we wonder if they will ever truly go away.  You may be wondering if the unwanted thoughts that you have are too strong and if they will always be there.  Lean into all of those fears.  Specifically: allow yourself to think “what if this thought never goes away?” “what if it always haunts me?”  “even if I get better, what if something triggers it and it comes back?” Each of these questions may send a wave of terror through you.  If so, lean into them.  Think those thoughts again, and let the terror go through you.  You can desensitize to any thought you have.  Even thoughts about your ability to recover and thoughts about what thoughts might torment you or get stuck in your brain (they do not really get stuck).  But allow yourself to think these fearful thoughts, feel the discomfort that they bring, and think them again.  Eventually, these thoughts will not be able to get a rise out of you.  If thoughts really could get stuck in your head, everyone would be afraid of that.  If you ask someone who does not struggle with OCD why they are not afraid of having a scary thought or idea stuck in their head, they would probably say that they simply choose not to think the scary thought or focus on it.  And you can get to the same place- where you are no longer afraid of thoughts.  Continue to spend time with the thoughts and ideas that scare you and eventually you will desensitize to them.

This is also true for associations.  You may worry that something (an object or a person) will always remind you of some fearful thought.  I had hundreds upon hundreds of fearful associations with items in my own home.  I worried that particular items would always cause me to recall the fearful thoughts that I associated with them.  Today, I can walk through my house with all the same items and the thoughts do not come up and bother me.  I can still recall the unwanted thoughts if I want to.  But I do not need to think about those thoughts anymore, and because they do not scare me, they do not come up.  You may think “these thoughts will always scare me”.  That is exactly what I thought too.  As you spend time with your fearful thoughts, you will become desensitized to them.

Sweeping the Cobwebs/Mental Rituals

Before I understood the practice of exposure and desensitization, I had some methods to try to get rid of the thoughts.  One of these methods involved me imagining that the unwanted thoughts in my brain were like cobwebs, and I would mentally imagine sweeping them out.  I had a few other methods that I tested out, like imagining a positive word or smiley face in my brain.  These were desperate attempts to stop unwanted thoughts and to try to regain control of my thoughts.  These methods are called mental rituals (also called compulsions) and they are common methods that people with OCD employ to try regain a sense of control.   Others may use counting, praying, or rehearsing certain words to try to avoid thoughts.  For some, these methods may provide momentary relief, but the thoughts will keep coming up until the person is no longer afraid of them.  And to no longer be afraid, he must expose himself to the thoughts so that he can become desensitized to them.  You want to avoid using mental rituals because they are reinforcing the idea that unwanted thoughts are real threats that must be avoided and controlled.  See the page on compulsions/mental rituals for more information.

Higher Brain Vs. Fear Brain

I use the term “fear brain” to refer to the part of our brain that has the fearful reactions and alerts us to danger.  In the OCD brain, the fear brain becomes very loud and can drown out the higher brain at times.  The “higher brain” is the part of our brain that is logical and may be aware that some of our fears are completely illogical.  However, it seems that these parts of the brains are not great at communicating together.  We can know in our higher brain that a fear that we have is illogical, yet the fear brain will continue to react and it will feel like the threat is real, even when it is not.  My therapist explained to me that we cannot tell our fear brain “do not be afraid”, we have to show it to not be afraid by exposing ourselves to what we fear until we desensitize to it.  So even though you can try to tell yourself to not be afraid of something, you actually have to experience that something, feel the fear it brings, and continue to spend time with that fearful thought/object/situation until your fear brain desensitizes to it.

Become an Impartial Observer

You can use your higher brain to help you step back and become an impartial observer of yourself.  Your fear brain will continue to react to triggers for a while.  It takes time to desensitize. It is helpful though to become an observer of yourself.  Become a scientific researcher of yourself. Observe how your body reacts to the fear stimuli.  What does it feel like in your body? In your brain?  Observe the physical feelings of discomfort that your fear causes in your body. Become more familiar with the sensations in your body. Increase your awareness of what it feels like to be in your body when your alarm system is triggered. This will help you to become accustomed to these feelings so that these feelings do not cause too much extra panic and fear.

Be The Awareness Behind Your Thoughts and Emotions

“Rather than being your thoughts and emotions, be the awareness behind them.” – Eckhart Tolle

Intrusive thoughts will continue to come up. Fearful feelings will continue to follow the thoughts. Allow all thoughts and feelings. Be aware of them and let them be. Accept that they will keep coming for some time.

Strengthen the impartial observer part of yourself (the part of yourself that can step back and observe your thoughts and feelings in a detached manner). You can strengthen this part of you, your awareness, through mindfulness practices. Mediation, yoga, being in nature- these activities can help you shift from thinking to being. However, please keep in mind, that where you are at now, you will have to practice a lot of acceptance as thoughts and feelings continue to torment you. When we become afraid of thoughts, ideas, questions, or associations, it takes time for the fear to diminish.

It Can FEEL Like It Is Getting Worse Before It Gets Better

When I was suffering from extreme anxiety and fearful, intrusive thoughts, I remember a friend who had recovered from debilitating anxiety telling me that it can get worse before it gets better when you are in the recovery process.  It is extremely uncomfortable (and possibly terrifying) to face the fears that you have been avoiding.  When you finally allow yourself to spend time with your fearful thoughts and situations that trigger you, you will experience a lot of fear and anxiety.  It can feel terrible.  You might wonder if the desensitization process is working or if it is making it worse.

I found an insightful article online by Dr. Steven J. Phillipson, from the Center for Cognitive Behavioral Psychotherapy.  He notes: “Paradoxically, you will know the disorder is getting better when the frequency of spikes increases….  As one attempts to make space for thoughts that one has long spent great energy avoiding or trying to neutralize, our brain will meet this change with opposition.”  (Full article : https://www.ocdonline.com/thinking-the-unthinkable)  A “spike” is an unwanted thought or question that causes anxiety.

In the same article, Dr. Phillipson notes that “Often I have been informed that the treatment is as painful as the disorder.  My only response is that with this treatment there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  The disorder offers only endless suffering.”

There is a children’s book called Going on a Bear Hunt.  In the book, a family keeps coming up against obstacles in the natural world, and this phrase is repeated at each obstacle that they face: You can’t go over it, you can’t go under it, oh no… you have to go through it.  I said this phrase to myself throughout my recovery.  You have to go through it.   You have to move toward the discomfort (by exposing yourself to the fearful unwanted thoughts and questions) and spend time there.  It is very unpleasant, but it is the path to freedom.

If you feel like things are getting worse, do not panic.  When you face your fears, you will feel an increase in fear and anxiety, but this will not last forever.  As you spend time there, the fear and anxiety will diminish and eventually fade altogether.

Read the page on anxiety for helpful information about dealing with the increase in anxiety you will likely experience as you practice desensitization.

Getting Started

There will never be a perfect time to start practicing desensitization.  We all have commitments, obligations, and goals in life.   When I descended into constant obsessive fearful thinking, I was the mother of an infant and two other children.  They had needs around the clock.  I did not have the option to stop taking care of them.  For quite some time, I was barely sleeping at night.  I did not know how my body could even function.  My brain actually physically hurt from all of the mental turmoil I was in.  But let me tell you something: as humans, we are incredibly resilient.  You may feel like your body and mind are falling apart, but just keep putting one foot in front of the other.  Keep moving through life each day.  And slowly, as you practice desensitizing to your unwanted thoughts, you will start to see improvements.

Purposefully exposing yourself to the thoughts, ideas, associations, questions and situations that your brain is so desperately warning you against, is incredibly hard to say the least.  It can make your stomach turn, your brain hurt, and your whole body tense up.   But if you are willing to spend time each day intentionally exposing yourself to the thoughts, ideas, questions, associations or what if thoughts that terrify you and to the feelings of fear and discomfort they cause, you will find that the level of fear and discomfort lessens over time.

Multitasking

I developed extreme OCD after having a baby.  It troubled me that I was missing out on enjoying precious time with my baby because my obsessive thoughts were constant and they were triggered by being around my baby.  I was in a constant state of fear and panic when I was with my baby.  I told my therapist about this and how sad it was for me to be missing out on enjoying this time with my baby.  He told me that the brain is an amazing thing and that I could spend time with my children and while part of my brain was reacting wildly with fear, another part could engage with my children and (somewhat) enjoy my time with them.  It is not ideal; we would all prefer to not have to deal with the fearful thoughts at all.  But the truth is, you can still do life and somewhat pay attention to the things that you want to focus on while all the fear thoughts are screaming in the background.  My therapist called this multi-tasking.  We can clean the house while listening to the news, and we can also do the things we need to do while the fear thoughts and feelings are present- knowing that it will not always be like this.  Once we have desensitized, we will once again be able to have a peaceful state of mind and more fully enjoy life.

Multitasking in Interactions with Others

I imagine that it is common for individuals with intrusive thoughts to have concerns about these intrusive thoughts coming up when they are trying to talk or socialize with others. They may worry that their intrusive thoughts will be so loud that it will be impossible for them to carry on a conversation or attend to what the other person is saying. Yes, these thoughts can be loud and distracting, but we do not want to avoid talking with others, so we will have to go through a time where the thoughts are coming up while we are talking to others. Imagine that a mean person was yelling at you while you were trying to talk to a friend. The mean person is annoying, but you can still carry on your conversation. Your scary thoughts are like the mean person yelling at you.  Allow the fearful thoughts to be there swirling around in your brain, causing extreme discomfort, and continue trying to interact.

You may feel embarrassed if you worry that others can perceive your anxiousness or difficulty engaging with them. You will need to practice radical self-acceptance as you work toward recovery. This world is a messy place and many people have terrible struggles. Some individuals become paralyzed physically and must try to live with such extreme physical restrictions. They must have daily courage, and those with anxiety and OCD must have courage as well to go out into the world and accept themselves as they work toward recovery.

Mixed Approach to Transition Period

There can be a transition period where you still feel some level of discomfort at the thoughts, but not as intense as before.  You may not be sure if you still need to spend time with the thoughts or if it is okay to just dismiss them and continue on about your activities.  When I was in this phase where the fear was reduced but there was still a good deal of discomfort, I used a mixed approach.  Sometimes I allowed myself to just focus on the activities that I was engaging in and sometimes I allowed time to sit with the discomfort.  In time, the discomfort will continue to lessen and the thoughts will come up less.

The thoughts may continue to come up for a long time.  Do not try to stop them or rush away from them.  Just let them be there and allow the feelings of discomfort as well.  Desensitization takes time, but it works. You will likely not get better within in days or weeks, but you will slowly and incrementally get better.

Grace for Yourself

During a season of extreme poor mental health, you have to have grace with yourself. You may not be living life the way you want to, but rest assured that as you desensitize you will get to a place where you can live a fulfilling, peaceful life.  You may feel that you have nothing to offer the world or people around you.  Remember that this is an intense season of your life, but there is absolute hope for recovery, and when you are better, you will be able to give more to those around you.  I remember one time I was crying and feeling so dejected because I felt like I was not being the best mom I could be because of the constant mental anguish I was experiencing.  But the truth was, I was doing the things that needed to be done to take care of my children.  Though you feel terrible inside, you can continue to complete the tasks that you need to in order to take care of yourself and your family.

What if I have too many unwanted thoughts, ideas or associations to desensitize to?

If you have many different intrusive thoughts, ideas, or associations, you may worry that it will take too much time to desensitize to all of them.  However, as you begin to desensitize to your unwanted thoughts, you are desensitizing to all unwanted thoughts in general.  Our brains are very creative and can always come up with new unwanted thoughts that we may find threatening.  But through the process of desensitizing to our fearful thoughts and ideas, we are teaching our brains to not react fearfully to thoughts and ideas in general.

I had thousands of scary thoughts that were triggering me. To work toward recovery, I spent time with them as they came up. Sometimes I focused on one thought/idea and allowed myself to sit with it. Other times, I allowed many fearful thoughts/ideas to swirl around my mind. I intentionally allowed all of the thoughts.

Some of your unwanted thoughts may take longer than others to desensitize to.  That is ok.  In time, all of your unwanted thoughts will fade as you desensitize to them.

Fear of Unwanted Thoughts

If you are specifically afraid of certain kinds of thoughts (sexual, violent, disturbing) always coming up and bothering you, the link above may have more helpful information.

Unwanted Disturbing/Sexual/Violent Thoughts

If you are struggling with these kinds of thoughts click on the link above to get more helpful information.

Thinking about our Thinking

If you feel like you are always in a mode of thinking about your thoughts, click on the above link for more helpful information.

How Long Does Recovery Take?

The timing of recovery is different for each person.   I believe that I had severe OCD, characterized by constant fearful thoughts and associations.  It took me about 2 years to feel like I had recovered.  It seems that many people have a faster recovery- 9 months to 1 year.  My counselor who had debilitating OCD recovered fully in 4 months.  You may be thinking – that is way too long to suffer like this!  But if you practice the desensitization, you will be gradually improving so that in 3 months, you are better than you were originally.  And 6 months after that, you are very noticeably doing better, but you still have improvement to be made. One counselor told me that anxiety/OCD recovery is sort of like being pregnant.  You cannot look in the mirror from one day to the next and see the growth of the belly, but in time, as weeks and months pass, you will notice the growth.

Throughout my recovery process, I often wondered if I was really recovering.  For me, the recovery was so slow that I questioned if I was actually getting better.  And recovery is not continual upward progress.  You will have times where you feel worse.  But the work you have done counts, so do not be discouraged if you have a bad day or week.  Just keep exposing yourself to the fearful thoughts, ideas, questions, and associations and the discomfort that they bring.

I also often wondered- is this as good as I am going to get?  For me it was a slow process, so it was easy to question whether I was really getting better.   But I found that I continued to improve incrementally each month. Today, I consider myself to be fully recovered. Unwanted thoughts are not a problem. They rarely come up, and if they do, they do not stick- similar to persons who do not struggle with OCD/anxiety.

Doubts and questions will likely come up.  If they cause you fear, lean into them- purposefully spend time with these thoughts and the discomfort they cause: What if I never fully recover? What if this is as good as it gets? What if I am not doing it right?   Lean into these fearful thoughts, but let your higher brain trust in the process- desensitization does and will work, it just takes time.

What does recovery look like?

As you practice spending time with the fearful thoughts and the fearful feelings that they produce, you will begin to desensitize.  The fear voice in your brain will get a little less loud and intense over time.  It can feel like the fear voice is screaming at you initially.  As time goes on, the voice gets less loud.  And eventually it becomes more like background noise.  And then it fades altogether.  A disturbing idea might occur to once you have recovered.  It will not cause as intense of a fear reaction, but it may catch you off guard momentarily and cause some discomfort.  Just lean into it.  Do not run from it.  You may have fearful thoughts come up like: what if it starts all over again?  What if the obsessive thinking comes back?  Lean into these fears.  Face them and feel any discomfort that they cause.

My therapist told me that disturbing thoughts (familiar or new ones) might come up again once I had recovered, but I would not descend again into the full OCD thinking again.  You will have learned how to lean in to the fearful thoughts and face them, and this will prevent you from significantly regressing again.

Will this work for me?

I had a hard time believing that there was any real way for me to make my way out of the mess that my mind had become.  I was desperate for hope.

When our mind is in a fearful, anxious state, it can be particularly hard to be positive and have hope.   I imagine that it is common for people to wonder if somehow their situation is unique and if recovery might not be possible for them.  I know that I thought this.  When the fear brain is dominant, you cannot always trust your own judgement.  You will have to listen to and trust outside sources.  I had to trust my therapist when he told me that desensitization works.  When your fear brain is coming up with fears and worries, try to remember the techniques and truths that you have learned and trust that the desensitization process works and it will work for you.

Becoming a Jedi

When I was in the very early stages of my descent into full blown OCD, one of my counselors told me that I would recover and I would be stronger than I ever had been before.  This was VERY hard to believe at the time.  But this has proven true for me.  I am now at a better place than I was even before I had OCD because I now know how to cope with fear, anxiety, and OCD. Before I developed OCD, I had lived with terrible anxiety for most of my life. OCD recovery forced me to move toward fearful thoughts and unpleasant feelings. I learned how to practice acceptance as I rode through terrible feelings. I now believe that overcoming OCD makes you into a Jedi of sorts. You can become mentally stronger than you ever thought possible.

Support

It is really important to have support people in your life when you are going through an intense season of life.  Most people have no personal experience with intrusive fearful thoughts.  Even so, you may have a family member or friend who can offer a listening ear and encouragement.  It may help them to read an article or website about OCD.  Doctors and OCD therapists can also offer valuable support.  There may be an OCD support group where you live.  Try to find at least a few people who you can share your struggle with so that you are not facing it alone.

Most people and even many professionals (doctors and therapists) are not aware of how OCD works, so you may have to educate those who you would like to support you.

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