Having unwanted disturbing/violent/sexual thoughts can be particularly horrifying. I suffered these kinds of unwanted thoughts. This page is for those of you who suffer with this affliction (or loved ones of sufferers).
Do I really have to think these awful thoughts to desensitize to them?
The answer is yes and no. When I was in my darkest days, unwanted ideas (for me, they were often violent or sexual) were coming up all the time. I was constantly afraid of what I might think next. Unwanted thoughts tend to be based on the people and things we value most in life- because those are the things we most want to protect. Our brains are looking for the greatest threat, and the greatest threat when it comes to unwanted thoughts is often about the things we hold most dear. For me, my unwanted thoughts were mostly about my children, but they were also about all people and God. So when I was around my children, I was constantly scanning the environment and my children and worrying about what kind of violent, sexual, or disturbing thoughts my mind might come up with. Specific ideas would occur to me constantly. What if I thought this? What if I imagined that? What if did this? What if I wanted to do that? The ideas our minds can come up with are limitless. When we are in a fear state, our mind can become very creative as it looks for the threat.
When you are trying to desensitize to unwanted thoughts or ideas that occur to you, you do not have to imagine or create a detailed mental image about those ideas. For example, if I’ve had a disturbing thought about harming my child in a specific way- (what if I imagined hitting my child over the head with this pan?)- then I can desensitize to this threatening thought by thinking it and allowing the fear it causes to rush through me. I do not have to sit there and imagine a detailed image of what it would look like. As I allow myself to think the threatening thought, bits of an image might occur to me. Each person may differ in how much of an image is created in his/her mind. But you do not have to sit there and create a detailed image. You allow as much or as little of the image to show up when the unwanted thoughts occur to you or when you are intentionally thinking the unwanted thoughts to work on desensitizing. You do not need to force yourself to create a detailed image of these ideas and thoughts that occur to you. You may experience some mental image of these thoughts as you think them, but you do not need to put in extra effort to create a mental image. So if I have the thought: what if I imagine hitting my child over the head with this pan? A brief mental image may occur to me as I think the thought, but I do not need to work to maintain or create that mental image. You are not trying to stop a thought or necessarily create a thought, you are trying to allow the threatening thoughts to occur to you, and you allow yourself to feel the discomfort that those thoughts bring.
Unwanted Violent and Sexual Thoughts Desensitization
I primarily struggled with a fear of having unwanted/disturbing violent and sexual thoughts. I was in constant fear of having these kinds of thoughts. I felt a particularly intense fear about having these thoughts about my children or any other children, but I also feared having these thoughts about all people. When I began the desensitization process, my therapist told me to purposefully have the kinds of thoughts that I was fearing. It can feel wrong to have violent or sexual thoughts about people, especially children. I remember thinking that there had to be another way and that surely I couldn’t be expected to think these kinds of horrible thoughts. But I trusted my therapist, and I began to create the kinds of thoughts that I had been avoiding. It feels horrible. You feel afraid and guilty for having such thoughts. But the truth is, that you became afraid of these kinds of thoughts. They do not reflect who you are or your desires. So you have to give yourself permission to have these thoughts. The thoughts feel terrible to you, but they do not harm anyone. And exposing yourself to these thoughts will allow you to get to a place where you no longer fear them and so they will not torment you anymore. And the truth is, most people have unwanted sexual or violent thoughts pop into their minds, but because they are not afraid of them, they move on about their lives and it does not become an issue.
The good news is that you do not have to create vivid images of the thought. It seems to me that initially, before I had begun to desensitize, the thoughts were “louder” and could be accompanied by mental images. As time went on and I started to desensitize, the thoughts became less loud and less of a mental image formed. It wasn’t that I was trying not to have a mental image, it just didn’t form in my mind as much anymore. It takes mental effort to create a detailed image, so as you become desensitized, you naturally stop producing a mental image.
Do these thoughts reflect my desires?
Having disturbing thoughts (violent, sexual, disturbing), can make you wonder if these thoughts reflect your desires. There were only a few people that I told about my struggle with unwanted thoughts, and each time I remember telling them how I don’t even kill spiders in my house. I was trying to convince them and myself that these violent thoughts could not reflect who I was. But part of me worried that maybe I was a bad person who wanted to carry out these violent and aggressive sexual thoughts. I have read many sources on this topic, and what I read over and over again is that people suffering from these kinds of unwanted thoughts are the last people who would carry out such an act. The very fact that these thoughts horrify them shows that they have no desire to carry such things out. I remember reading one article where a therapist said that people who suffer this kind of OCD are often some of the most gentle people. As I have met others with OCD, I believe this to be true. Many people with OCD are some of the most thoughtful, conscientious people. This may be part of what predisposes them to developing OCD. If you are terrified of having a bad thought (aggressive or sexual…) about another person, that tells you that the thoughts do not reflect your desire, but your fear.