Some individuals may become afraid of having certain kinds of thoughts. If you fear that you will have unwanted thoughts (violent, sexual, blasphemous, strange, or any unwanted thought), then you are prompting those thoughts to come. Your brain has identified those thoughts, ideas, questions, and associations as threats, and so your brain is watching for those threatening thoughts, ideas, questions or associations. Because you are afraid of the them, you are watching for them. And when you watch for a thought, there it will be.
However, your brain does not have an agenda. Your brain does not want or need to think a certain thought. So, the only thing that is bringing up the unwanted thought is your fear of it.
How do you stop watching for unwanted thoughts or ideas? You stop being afraid of them. How do you become unafraid of particular unwanted thoughts or any other unwanted thoughts that might come up? You allow yourself to think those thoughts and any “what if” thoughts about the unwanted thoughts. As you intentionally spend time with the unwanted thoughts, you will begin to desensitize to them.
Once you desensitize to fearful ideas, thoughts, questions, and/or associations, they will no longer bother you and therefore stop coming to mind.
Examples of Unwanted Thoughts Desensitization
Let’s say an individual has become afraid of her thoughts about her boyfriend cheating on her. She is afraid of the idea of her boyfriend cheating on her, but she is also afraid that these thoughts will keep tormenting and will keep her from living life peacefully. To desensitize to these thoughts, she will intentionally bring up the thoughts that terrify her: What if my boyfriend is cheating on me? What if I cannot stop these thoughts and they always come up and torment me? The goal is not to answer these questions or to respond to these thoughts, but rather to invite them and the fear that they bring and to sit with the discomfort.
Another example: Let’s say someone was afraid of having a bad thought about children. When in the company of children, he is very afraid and constantly watching and checking his thoughts, and perhaps even thinking- what if I think about ___________? He may have a specific thought that he is afraid of having or specific kinds of thoughts that he is afraid of having. So, to desensitize, he spends time around children, and allows the what if thoughts to come up. These what if thoughts or unwanted thoughts cause a great deal of discomfort because your brain is on high alert and is warning you that there is extreme danger and that you need to get away. But to desensitize, you want to allow these fearful what if unwanted thoughts to come up and the terrible feelings to wash over you, and continue to expose yourself to the thoughts and fears.
What Unwanted Thought Desensitization Looks Like
I found that often I needed to desensitize to the what if questions rather than the actual thoughts. For example, I might see my child and my mind starts racing about what kinds of unwanted thoughts I might have. I might have an idea come up about a specific unwanted thought that I could have.
There are a couple of ways to spend time with these unwanted thoughts to desensitize to them.
One way, is to repeat the specific what if thought: What if I thought __(specific thought or idea)___? Allowing yourself to think specific unwanted thoughts may cause extreme discomfort. Different thoughts may cause various levels of discomfort. So, to desensitize, you allow the unwanted thoughts to occur to you, and you spend time with the fearful, uncomfortable feelings that the unwanted thoughts bring about. Then you intentionally repeat the what if thoughts that disturb you. So, I think again: What if I thought ___(specific thought or idea)___? And I feel the rush of fear and discomfort that comes. Allowing yourself to repeat these unwanted thoughts and sit with the discomfort they bring will help you to desensitize.
Another way to desensitize, is to allow your brain to go into “what if” mode and intentionally stay there for a bit. When the brain is in “what if” mode, it is on high alert and looking for the threat. When you intentionally allow your brain to go into this mode, you scan your environment and allow yourself to fearfully wonder. For example, if an individual is afraid of fearful thoughts that come up when he is around his girlfriend, when he spends time with her, he will likely start to feel anxious. To desensitize, he may spend time with his girlfriend and while his is looking at her or talking with her, he will intentionally allow or invite the fearful “what if” mode of this brain. Specific thoughts may come up or “what if” fearful thoughts my bubble up in his brain. He does not need to focus on one particular thought, but he can just allow these fearful thoughts to dance around his mind.
Some individuals may feel that they are already in this mode of fearfully wondering all the time. If this is the case for you, you can add intention to your experience by trying to become more fully aware of your thoughts and experience rather than trying to avoid thoughts and feelings. You can be around a particularly triggering situation and allow the mind to wander. Rather than attempting to distract yourself or to shrink away from these thoughts and feelings, spend some time with them intentionally. Invite the thoughts and observe and allow the feelings.
This works for all variety of what if thoughts. Examples: What if this thought is always stuck in my head? What if I am homosexual/heterosexual? What if I cannot stop thinking about my boyfriend cheating on me? What if these thoughts will not leave me alone? What if I go crazy? What if I am crazy? What if these bizarre thoughts always occur to me? What if I always associate this awful thought with someone or something I care about? What if this image gets stuck in my brain? What if I always think about my breathing? What if I can never enjoy life because I’m always thinking about ______?
The idea of a thought always sticking around and tormenting you is a scary idea, but it is just a thought, and you can desensitize to it so that when any of those thoughts come up, they will scare you less and less over time. You can desensitize to any thought. Even thoughts about thoughts!
You want to allow yourself to repeat the what if thoughts when they come up at least a few times. Sit with the discomfort that the what if thought brings. The more time you spend with that feeling of discomfort, the sooner you will desensitize. It is not pleasant, but you can do it, and the discomfort will lessen in time. And eventually, the thoughts will not be able to bother you.
When you feel the feelings of discomfort that the thoughts bring you, stay there. Do not rush on or distract yourself. Stay there for a little while. Allow yourself to feel those feelings.
Follow the fear
My brain would often come up with even more threatening thoughts. If I thought: what if I imagine hitting my child over the head with a pan? My next thought might be: What if I imagine hitting her over the head with a pan and then throwing her? Or: What if I always think of hitting her over the head with the pan when I get out the pan? Or: What if I really want to hit her over the head with the pan? What if I am a monster? What if these thoughts always torment me? When you are practicing desensitization and your brain comes up with an even more threatening thought, allow yourself to sit with the discomfort of that thought, and then think it again.
I used this phrase during my recovery: FOLLOW THE FEAR. What that meant to me was that whatever threatening thoughts my mind would come up with, I would allow the thoughts and I would sit with them and the discomfort that they caused. As my brain came up with even more threatening thoughts, I would “follow” those thoughts too. It is almost like you are going down the path that the fearful thoughts are taking you rather than trying to run from them. You allow the thoughts to keep getting more threatening, and you repeat them and spend time with them. You will likely feel very scared and threatened by these thoughts.
Our brains are creative as they search for the threat. And when certain ideas or thoughts have become the threat, our brains will come up with even more threatening ideas or thoughts. Our brain is supposed to help us identify threats and run from them. When ideas or thoughts are the threat, our brain scans for even greater threats (more unwanted thoughts) to try to protect us. We must teach our brain not to react to these ideas or thoughts. And that is what desensitization does. We get to a place where the ideas or thoughts that once terrified us can no longer bother us. But for now, follow the fear. Allow the fearful thoughts to flow through your mind. Allow them to intensify. You do not need to answer questions that your fearful thoughts pose; you do not need to respond to them. Just allow them and sit with the discomfort.
Worry About Thoughts Getting Stuck
The idea that a thought could get stuck in your brain forever or that a thought will always come up to haunt you is a scary idea. But, that does not mean that it is true. It’s just a scary thought. I could think, what if my bed comes alive and eats me. Yes, that would be scary if that happened, but just because I thought it and it scared me, it does not mean that it will happen. The same is true for these scary thoughts. I might think, what if I always think of hitting my child over the head with the pan? every time I see pan? That idea could cause a lot of fear. The fear we feel makes it seem like a real threat. Our body is telling us: this is a real threat! But it is not. Just like my bed will not come alive and eat me just because I think that thought. However, it does take some time to desensitize to those thoughts. So, for a while, when I get out the pan to cook, I may feel that rush of fear and I may think about the aggressive thought I associate with the pan. I allow myself to really feel the feelings of discomfort. I allow any thoughts or what if thoughts to occur to me and swirl around in my brain.