From Thought Stopping to Thought Creating to Peace of Mind
When I first began the process of thought desensitization, I felt like I was constantly in the mode of creating the kinds of thoughts that I had been avoiding. Previously, I had been in a constant state of trying to stop thoughts. I had been constantly fearful of having violent/sexual thoughts; my therapist had advised me to pretend I was Steven King creating the most violent, disturbing movie that I could think of as I went about my life. So I did this. I went outside where all the neighborhood kids were playing, and rather than trying to stop thoughts, I began to create disturbing thoughts. On one hand it was horrible and hard, but I also remember feeling some mental relief as well. My brain had been physically hurting from my constant, fearful effort to stop thoughts. So although it was scary and uncomfortable to allow these fearful thoughts to form, it also felt like a break from the constant effort of thought stopping.
Initially, I felt like I was always in a place of either thought stopping or thought creating. This is a mentally exhausting place to be. However, this will not last forever. As your fear center calms down because you become less afraid of the unwanted thoughts (because you’ve begun to desensitize to them), you will find yourself experiencing more and more time where you are no longer thought creating or thought stopping. You will find yourself experiencing times of peace of mind little by little, more and more.
Thinking about Thinking
I was constantly thinking about my thinking. I was constantly “watching” my thoughts. I was constantly scanning my environment, looking for what kinds of thoughts might be triggered by people or things around me. I wanted so desperately to get out of this mode. I wanted to just look at the world normally. How do I stop scanning my environment? How do I stop wondering what thoughts might come up? How do I stop thinking about my thinking?
It would be so nice to be able to just flip a switch and turn off scanning mode. If only our fear brain would listen to our higher brain when it says, you’re ok, stop looking for the threat. But it will take time and desensitization to the fearful what if thoughts for our fear brain to calm down and stop warning us. Until then, our fear brain will continue to scan and watch for fearful, unwanted thoughts. If you find yourself in this mode of constantly scanning your thoughts and the environment, be encouraged! As you desensitize to the fearful what if thoughts and unwanted thoughts, you will slowly but surely get back to a place where you look at the world “normally” again- where you are no longer constantly checking your thoughts or your environment. Try to practice acceptance regarding scanning. Your brain will continue to scan for some time, until you are more desensitized to your fears of thoughts.